I didn’t start BC yesterday. The late November timeline wasn’t going to work with some pre-existing commitments I already had. Instead, the plan is to take this cycle off and regroup. I start BC on day 4 of my next cycle with a tentative retrieval date for mid December. I am grateful for the month off. I feel like my body could use a reset after the last two months of drugs and what was, quite possibly, the worst summer of my life. Maybe I will write about that someday. So the plan for this month is to concentrate on taking care of myself and to try not to obsess (too much) about the what next in this process.
p.s. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. My thoughts are with all of you who have suffered a loss.
Thank you all for your encouragement in my last post. I made the call to my clinic yesterday to get the ball rolling on state approval (we need to be approved for coverage). I’ve been a ball of nerves since. Our doctor thinks we should get approval easily, but I will be anxious until we get the final word. To add to my anxiety I had lunch today with two dear friends (one of whom is 7 months pregnant) and their two kids. It was awful. Like, heart beating at top speed, panic attack awful. I feel so terrible writing that. I’m usually OK around them but today was just hard. Thank goodness it’s Friday.
I just got off the phone with my clinic and they are going to try to squeeze us into the late November cycle. Our doctor thinks approval should be fast and easy. Birth control pills have been ordered and I start them on Sunday. Shit just got real.
We’re moving to IVF. Just typing that scares me to pieces. Last week we found out our insurance had only been covering the IUI cycles by accident. However, our state is one of the few states that will cover an IVF cycle. As it works out, an IUI with injectables cycle will end up costing us a little bit more than an IVF cycle. How crazy is that? Insurance just boggles me. Anyway, even though our doctor doesn’t think we need to move to IVF right now, when we weighed the numbers it just made more sense. So now I’m waiting for my new cycle to start and crossing my fingers that we can get on the late November/December schedule.
Over the last few days, in another online community I’m a part of, there’s been a lot of conversation over this statement:
I don’t have to have gone through something to make a decision on how to approach it.
I’m bringing it up because it was made specifically in terms of infertility and pursuing fertility treatments, and it was made by a woman who is 4 or 5 months pregnant. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I don’t like to pass judgement on other people’s choices. I think individuals know what’s best for themselves and their own situations. But there’s a part of me that is deeply offended that someone who has never walked the road of infertility feels the need to say, ‘I would not pursue fertility treatments if I found out I was infertile’, as if she understands even an iota of what it means to make these decisions. As if the decision is an easy one. As if the decision doesn’t come wrapped with disappointment and heartbreak and so, so much anger. I actually tried to engage her in a conversation, but was shot down. I wonder, sometimes, why it’s so hard for people on the other side to consider how hard this path is for those of us on it. I constantly wonder if I’m being over sensitive. But then, as in this case, I remember that this is the same woman who said, a couple of months ago on twitter, that she wouldn’t be sad if she had a miscarriage cause she didn’t think it was a big deal. So.
The good(ish) news is, I think I ovulated last week. The bad news is, I am not sure when or how or if it was any good. A run down:
- 9/24 – get my first positive OPK
- 9/25 – ultrasound, Dr. P says there’s been no growth from last u/s 4 days ago. 2 follicles measuring around 10mm plus a hand full of smaller ones. Cancels IUI cycle, thinks I’m not going to ovulate. Says there is a remote chance I ovulated and we just missed it.
- 9/26 – temperature goes up just .1 degree. OPK still positive.
- 9/27 – temperature shoots up .4 degrees (but is still lower than my usual temperature range is during this part of my cycle).
- 9/28 – 10/1 – temperatures stay elevated. FF marks my chart as ovulating on 9/27.
- 10/2 – progesterone drawn, 12.7
Just got off the phone with the phlebotomist and she says the 12.7 means I ovulated, but that the number is low. Still, it’s possible yesterday was only day 5, since we’re not sure when I ovulated. She is going to review with my doctor and get back to me. Here’s where I’m confused. I thought you couldn’t ovulate until the follicles were a certain size? I was measuring around 10mm on Tuesday so it doesn’t seem like 1 or 2 days was enough time for them to grow enough to pop. I asked my Dr. about it yesterday and she is just as confused as I am. She thinks if I did ovulate, it wasn’t any good. Why does this process have to be so confusing? Feeling so frustrated today.