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Monthly Archives: November 2012

Tomorrow I take my last birth control pill and go in for my baseline monitoring appointment. It will also be the last time I see my RE. Due to a family crisis she is moving out of state; tomorrow is actually her last day. I’m a little saddened by this, because we started this with her, but also excited to meet our new doctor, who also happens to be the clinic director. He was actually my first choice, but the wait to see him was so long that we ended up going with our current RE. Maybe it’s fate? Or so I’m telling myself.

On Monday we start stimming. No lupron, so I guess this means I’m doing an antagonist protocol? Have any of you done this protocol? Thoughts? I asked our IVF counselor about it and she said it’s the standard protocol for the clinic. Since their success rate is currently 53% for my age range (35-37) I guess they know what they’re doing? This hasn’t stopped me from consulting Dr. Google, tough, of course. Anyway! The plan is to stim for 10 days with a tentative retrieval set for Dec. 14. Let’s get this show on the road!

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There was turkey (a lot of turkey). A vegan and non-vegan stuffing. Fresh crisp green beans slathered in a homemade mushroom sauce topped with crispy onions. Creamy mashed potatoes, both sweet and not. A virtuous salad of kale. Pie, oh, so many pies. A crisp white wine and a full bodied red. But the star of the show, the thing that everyone was talking about, was the whis.key.

Whis.key Ci.der
In a shaker muddle:
2 Lux.ardo cherries
sliver of orange peel
Add:
1 ounce apple ci.der reduction*
2 ounces rye whis.key (we used Bull.eit Rye)
Shake and pour into a chilled glass, top with a splash of ginger beer
Try not to drink so many of these that you wake with a splitting headache the next morning.

Apple Ci.der Reduction
We cheated and bought this and it was wonderful but to make your own start with at least a 1/2 gallon of good quality apple cider. In a heavy bottomed pot gently simmer the cider and reduce by half or till it reaches a syrupy consistency. You don’t want it to be too thick, more like a simple syrup. Some people add maple syrup or brown sugar as it reduces but I don’t like overly sweet things so never do.

Do any of you watch G.iulliana and B.ill? I bawled my eyes out last night. I realize they have money and resources at their disposal most of us could only dream of, but their story just hit me in the gut. 4 years, 3 failed IVFs, 1 miscarriage, Cancer. I give them a lot of credit for putting their story out there. I know some people will snark that they got paid good money for that story but I can’t be that cynical about it. Maybe I’ve spent too many nights curled up on my bathroom floor in tears to not feel for another survivor. Infertility is a great equalizer. When I started watching their story unfold IVF was an alien concept to me. I remember an episode where a worn out G was getting her morning dose of shots and thinking no way could I ever do that. And here I am.

For those who are interested, here is an interview with G on infertility from this past week.
http://www.cnn.com/2012/11/12/living/health-giuliana/index.html

Lately, it just pisses me off.

“It will happen!” friends exclaim and I want to yell “You don’t know that!”

I know they’re just trying to be helpful. Supportive. If I push back I get called out. Pessimist. Negative. “You need to be more positive,” they tell me and I just want to scream.

We will be cycling around Christmas. “This is going to be the best Christmas!” one friend told me. “Or not,” I snorted.

I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish their cheer didn’t make me want to gnash my teeth at them and howl. I know they are trying to say, “I want this for you because I love you,” but all I hear is “Don’t worry, just relax”.

Lately my ears perk up when I hear of someone having non-identical twins. A girl I know recently announced her pregnancy with twins on Facebook. She’s been married for 6 years and in the early days of her marriage would talk constantly about babies. Then nothing. Now twins.

Then today I was flipping through an old magazine and read that Anna P of T.rue B.lood fame just had twins and that she’s the second on their set to do so. A cast mate’s girlfriend had twins last year.

Fertility treatments? Does it ever cross your mind when you hear about twins? A year ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. Now I wonder.

I start birth control today. On Wednesday we have our IVF consult to go over our calendar and pay for our portion of the costs. Since I’ve basically got the month off, I’m drinking a big cup of coffee while I type this. (coffee, I’ve missed you). I’ve been playing with bourbon concoctions to serve with Thanksgiving dinner (bourbon, I love you). I also decided to take the next 20 days to try to lose a little of the weight I’ve packed on this past year. 11 pounds, if you’re curious. Between depression, fear that exercise would “screw with things” (ha), medication, and my metabolism taking a crap, I’ve never been more out of shape. The plan is to do Ripped in 30 for the next 20 days (I actually started yesterday) with a day off each week. I’m also running again and can I tell you how much I’ve missed it? I used to be an avid runner but more than one of my doctors told me to tone it down while we are trying. I stopped all together. I have a thing for being extreme, maybe. I don’t have any specific goals in mind; I just want to feel as strong and healthy as possible before I start stimming on Dec 3.

Hello. I sort of disappeared there didn’t I? We took the month off from treatment and I decided to make that a complete month off from obsessing over my (lack of) fertility. I was, maybe, 80% successful? I have been reading all of your stories though, just not commenting and not writing. It was a much needed break, and I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I had hoped, perhaps foolishly, that this month would be our miracle. Just stop thinking about it and it will happen, right? I’m sure we’ve all heard that gem at least once. Well, my bbt dropped this morning and I got a glaring negative HPT so I’m guessing that advice is crap. What that means is, later today I will schedule our IVF consult meeting. During our month off we got state approval for one partially covered IVF. We will cycle in December. I could use all the encouragement you’ve got because, frankly, I’m freaking out.

In other news, the lovely Allo Allo nominated me for a Liebster. Thanks! Here are my answers:

If you could live in any past decade, which one would you live in and why?
You know, I like the one we’re in. I work in technology, so this probably has something to do with it. I’ve always been fascinated by what the future holds.

Please share a favourite recipe/food blog etc.
I love to cook. LOVE LOVE LOVE to cook. The kitchen is my happy place. Orangette is the very first food blog I started following, what seems like forever ago. I adore Molly and everything I’ve made from her site (and book!) has been delicious. http://orangette.blogspot.com/

What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve had to do since TTC?
I tried to do a head stand, you know, after. There were bruises involved. It was very bad.

What is one difference (if any) having a blog has made in your life?
You know, I’ve been blogging since 2002 in some form or another. I think the amazing thing about blogs is the opportunity it gives you to connect with people. I’ve made real friends through my blogs over the years and the writing has gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life. With this blog, specifically, I’m grateful for support. Infertility is such an isolating thing. It has made me feel less lonely and less afraid. So thank you.

Since I’m so late to the Liebster party and it seems that just about everyone I follow has been nominated I won’t do that here but instead throw a question out to all of you to answer in the comments (if you want!).

What has surprised you the most during this trying to conceive process?