Other people’s optimism

Lately, it just pisses me off.

“It will happen!” friends exclaim and I want to yell “You don’t know that!”

I know they’re just trying to be helpful. Supportive. If I push back I get called out. Pessimist. Negative. “You need to be more positive,” they tell me and I just want to scream.

We will be cycling around Christmas. “This is going to be the best Christmas!” one friend told me. “Or not,” I snorted.

I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish their cheer didn’t make me want to gnash my teeth at them and howl. I know they are trying to say, “I want this for you because I love you,” but all I hear is “Don’t worry, just relax”.

  1. Lya said:

    I hate when people pretend that each IF story ends with a miracle baby and insisit that is is just a matter of time unitl it is our turn. Some people don’t seem to realize that there are couples out there who will never make it to the other side. I guess they just don’t know what else to say 😦
    Good luck for your Christmas cycle!

    • hazel said:

      Whenever friends tell me they don’t know what to say I tell them “I’m here if you need anything” is always a good start. I know I shouldn’t take it all so personally but I really wish people would think about what they are saying more.

      Thank you for the luck!

      • Lya said:

        That is a good response! I’ll have to remember it!

  2. Daryl said:

    I feel the same way, and I’m so sick of being told to stop being so pessimistic. It’s called being *realistic*! Those who haven’t been through it or witnessed it first hand don’t seem to realize that IVF is not a guarantee. Still, I’m wishing us both the best of luck.

    • hazel said:

      Thank you! Wishing you the best of luck too.

  3. SM said:

    I hate when people say stuff like that. There’s no guarantees. We don’t have crystal balls to see the future. The chances of ending up childless are just the same or greater than having a take home baby. Nothing is for sure. Good luck with your next cycle!

  4. Those comments are the worst worst worst. Because they are basically well meaning but totally ignorant and there is no real way to respond except to say “we’ll see” which then just invites more berating for being ‘negative’. I wish people could think through what they’re saying, we know that there are so many stories that don’t work out but for them it’s all ‘ivf= magic baby’

    • hazel said:

      Yes yes yes. I never know how to respond. I know it’s coming from a good place, that they want to make me feel better, but what they don’t think through is when you tell people things in an attempt to make them feel better what you’re really telling them is to not be sad. So, they get to feel good about themselves for “helping” and I get to feel like a dick for still feeling sad? No no no.

      • Yes, that is the way I feel about it, too. I just wish people would say, “Boy, that sucks!” cuz it does. And of course everyone knows stories of people who struggled and then “gave up” and had a “miracle” because the rest of the people who don’t have that luck don’t talk about it. They keep it quiet because they know they will just get the same stories.
        We had a miracle pregnancy that turned into a miscarriage. Because of everyone saying, “Oh it was such a miracle” I denied myself the right to grieve for way too long.

        • hazel said:

          I’m sorry for your loss. I wish more people knew how to empathize.

  5. We’re looking at cycling right around Christmas too (for IUI) and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Part of me wants to start 2013 off with a BFP but the other part is afraid of setting a BAD tone for the year…

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