My heart is so sad this morning. All those children. I just don’t understand.

p.s. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement on my update yesterday. You all have been my rock through this process. xoxo


You know those Baby on Board signs people like to stick in their cars? Yesterday I was stopped at a stoplight behind a car with a Mom (to be) on Board sign. I almost got out and barfed on her tires.

A pregnant fertile*, in response to my moaning over my fear of needles:

“Just wait till you get pregnant. Someone is always jabbing me with a needle. You get used to it.”


In other news, days 1 & 2 of stims went off without a hitch. Meno.pur stings like a b*tch but someone on FF suggested putting a heating pad over the area immediately after and that works like a charm. No side effects yet to report except hair splitting head aches (caffeine withdrawal) and a longing for a glass of wine. Just one? Sigh.

* and yes, said fertile knows full well what we are going through

There was turkey (a lot of turkey). A vegan and non-vegan stuffing. Fresh crisp green beans slathered in a homemade mushroom sauce topped with crispy onions. Creamy mashed potatoes, both sweet and not. A virtuous salad of kale. Pie, oh, so many pies. A crisp white wine and a full bodied red. But the star of the show, the thing that everyone was talking about, was the whis.key.

Whis.key Ci.der
In a shaker muddle:
2 Lux.ardo cherries
sliver of orange peel
1 ounce apple ci.der reduction*
2 ounces rye whis.key (we used Bull.eit Rye)
Shake and pour into a chilled glass, top with a splash of ginger beer
Try not to drink so many of these that you wake with a splitting headache the next morning.

Apple Ci.der Reduction
We cheated and bought this and it was wonderful but to make your own start with at least a 1/2 gallon of good quality apple cider. In a heavy bottomed pot gently simmer the cider and reduce by half or till it reaches a syrupy consistency. You don’t want it to be too thick, more like a simple syrup. Some people add maple syrup or brown sugar as it reduces but I don’t like overly sweet things so never do.

Do any of you watch G.iulliana and B.ill? I bawled my eyes out last night. I realize they have money and resources at their disposal most of us could only dream of, but their story just hit me in the gut. 4 years, 3 failed IVFs, 1 miscarriage, Cancer. I give them a lot of credit for putting their story out there. I know some people will snark that they got paid good money for that story but I can’t be that cynical about it. Maybe I’ve spent too many nights curled up on my bathroom floor in tears to not feel for another survivor. Infertility is a great equalizer. When I started watching their story unfold IVF was an alien concept to me. I remember an episode where a worn out G was getting her morning dose of shots and thinking no way could I ever do that. And here I am.

For those who are interested, here is an interview with G on infertility from this past week.

Lately, it just pisses me off.

“It will happen!” friends exclaim and I want to yell “You don’t know that!”

I know they’re just trying to be helpful. Supportive. If I push back I get called out. Pessimist. Negative. “You need to be more positive,” they tell me and I just want to scream.

We will be cycling around Christmas. “This is going to be the best Christmas!” one friend told me. “Or not,” I snorted.

I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish their cheer didn’t make me want to gnash my teeth at them and howl. I know they are trying to say, “I want this for you because I love you,” but all I hear is “Don’t worry, just relax”.

Lately my ears perk up when I hear of someone having non-identical twins. A girl I know recently announced her pregnancy with twins on Facebook. She’s been married for 6 years and in the early days of her marriage would talk constantly about babies. Then nothing. Now twins.

Then today I was flipping through an old magazine and read that Anna P of T.rue B.lood fame just had twins and that she’s the second on their set to do so. A cast mate’s girlfriend had twins last year.

Fertility treatments? Does it ever cross your mind when you hear about twins? A year ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. Now I wonder.