My heart is so sad this morning. All those children. I just don’t understand.

p.s. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement on my update yesterday. You all have been my rock through this process. xoxo


A pregnant fertile*, in response to my moaning over my fear of needles:

“Just wait till you get pregnant. Someone is always jabbing me with a needle. You get used to it.”


In other news, days 1 & 2 of stims went off without a hitch. Meno.pur stings like a b*tch but someone on FF suggested putting a heating pad over the area immediately after and that works like a charm. No side effects yet to report except hair splitting head aches (caffeine withdrawal) and a longing for a glass of wine. Just one? Sigh.

* and yes, said fertile knows full well what we are going through

There was turkey (a lot of turkey). A vegan and non-vegan stuffing. Fresh crisp green beans slathered in a homemade mushroom sauce topped with crispy onions. Creamy mashed potatoes, both sweet and not. A virtuous salad of kale. Pie, oh, so many pies. A crisp white wine and a full bodied red. But the star of the show, the thing that everyone was talking about, was the whis.key.

Whis.key Ci.der
In a shaker muddle:
2 Lux.ardo cherries
sliver of orange peel
1 ounce apple ci.der reduction*
2 ounces rye whis.key (we used Bull.eit Rye)
Shake and pour into a chilled glass, top with a splash of ginger beer
Try not to drink so many of these that you wake with a splitting headache the next morning.

Apple Ci.der Reduction
We cheated and bought this and it was wonderful but to make your own start with at least a 1/2 gallon of good quality apple cider. In a heavy bottomed pot gently simmer the cider and reduce by half or till it reaches a syrupy consistency. You don’t want it to be too thick, more like a simple syrup. Some people add maple syrup or brown sugar as it reduces but I don’t like overly sweet things so never do.

Do any of you watch G.iulliana and B.ill? I bawled my eyes out last night. I realize they have money and resources at their disposal most of us could only dream of, but their story just hit me in the gut. 4 years, 3 failed IVFs, 1 miscarriage, Cancer. I give them a lot of credit for putting their story out there. I know some people will snark that they got paid good money for that story but I can’t be that cynical about it. Maybe I’ve spent too many nights curled up on my bathroom floor in tears to not feel for another survivor. Infertility is a great equalizer. When I started watching their story unfold IVF was an alien concept to me. I remember an episode where a worn out G was getting her morning dose of shots and thinking no way could I ever do that. And here I am.

For those who are interested, here is an interview with G on infertility from this past week.

Lately, it just pisses me off.

“It will happen!” friends exclaim and I want to yell “You don’t know that!”

I know they’re just trying to be helpful. Supportive. If I push back I get called out. Pessimist. Negative. “You need to be more positive,” they tell me and I just want to scream.

We will be cycling around Christmas. “This is going to be the best Christmas!” one friend told me. “Or not,” I snorted.

I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish their cheer didn’t make me want to gnash my teeth at them and howl. I know they are trying to say, “I want this for you because I love you,” but all I hear is “Don’t worry, just relax”.

Lately my ears perk up when I hear of someone having non-identical twins. A girl I know recently announced her pregnancy with twins on Facebook. She’s been married for 6 years and in the early days of her marriage would talk constantly about babies. Then nothing. Now twins.

Then today I was flipping through an old magazine and read that Anna P of T.rue B.lood fame just had twins and that she’s the second on their set to do so. A cast mate’s girlfriend had twins last year.

Fertility treatments? Does it ever cross your mind when you hear about twins? A year ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. Now I wonder.