First, thank you, everyone, for your well wishes.

I took a test this morning so we wouldn’t be waiting all day. I never thought I’d see that second line. Beta is 319. That seems high, since we only transferred one, but maybe it’s because it had already started hatching before the transfer and was really a day 6 embryo? I had a lot of sharp stabbing pain last Friday and Saturday so I’m guessing that was implantation? I’m going with it. I feel great (or as great as one can feel with a swollen PIO bum). We are ecstatic and in shock. My first instinct was to pour myself a bourbon, which, I guess won’t do.  (And I’m not sure what that says about me.) 2nd beta on Saturday. Holy shit balls.

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It happened last week Tuesday, right on schedule. Today I am 8dp5dt. Tomorrow is my Beta. I haven’t tested yet. I’m unsure if I will at all. I’ve been mostly calm. I meant to update, I really did, but every time I thought to do so the panic would start. What if this doesn’t work? What if it never works? I let go a lot these past two months. I started going to yoga again. Started focusing on the things I’ve neglected these last 22 months. I can’t believe it’s been that long. It was supposed to be quick. A baby before 35 and another 2 years later. I had a plan. I’ll be 36 this year. We have two embryos still in the freezer. I am hoping with all my heart that we get good news tomorrow. Either way, I will let you know.

Sorry for the silence. Want to know a secret? I’ve barely thought about baby making this last month and a half. When we found out we wouldn’t be able to do our FET until late Feb/ early March, I sort of pushed it all to the back of my brain. It’s been nice. 2012 was a hard year, the hardest year, really. It felt good to welcome 2013 with some calm. I’m hoping it stays with me.  I started birth control on Monday. I got my FET calendar yesterday. If all goes according to plan, we will transfer on Mar. 19.

Thank you everyone for your good thoughts. It seems the universe was listening. We have 3 blasts in the freezer. No grading yet but our coordinator (who is back! Yay!) assured me that to make it that far they have to be good. We should have grades later today. The plan is to call with my next period and start the FET right away. And because we never finished the full IVF cycle the FET is covered by our insurance! Talk about a Merry Christmas!

Sidenote 1: the coordinator we’ve been dealing with is a fill-in. Ours has been on vacation since the day before our egg retrieval.

This might be jumbled, bear with me.

So yesterday I called my clinic to ask for an update since I hadn’t heard a peep from them since Sunday. I am told that there is no new information. That they won’t know anything till tomorrow and that I should not worry, but I’m told it in such a way that she is basically blowing me off. I get that I’m not this person’s full time patient, but the conversation leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Sidenote 2: I’m so sick and tired of health care professionals making me feel like I’m a crazy for wanting to understand what is going on with my health. For not just wanting to understand but wanting details. I may not be a doctor but I’m not stupid and I can do without the head patting condescension. And yes, it’s possible I’m projecting and whatever. This is shit is hard.

So I finally got a call near the end of the day today. It was the longest day. I’m told that they are waiting one more day to freeze and that my coordinator will be back tomorrow to answer any questions. She doesn’t ask me if I have any questions. She doesn’t offer any details. I finally ask her why they are waiting and she says, oh, they just do sometimes. I then ask her how many are left alive. She says 2, reminds me my real coordinator will call me tomorrow. I can tell by this time that she just wants to get off the phone so I hang up with her.

I’m gutted. This is all the treatment our insurance will cover.

After going back and forth with the husband via text I decide to call her back to see if I can get any more info. Most importantly, I want to know why, if they only have 2, they are not going to freeze today. When I’m connected with her office she immediately puts me on hold and transfers me to the embryologist. Fine by me.

The embryologist is immediately reassuring. She asks me what i know (basically nothing). She asks, but didn’t anyone call you on Day 3? (Um, no). She then goes over everything, in detail, from the beginning. Before I got off the phone with her she told me she had done IVF too, which explains why she was so awesome.

So this is where we stand. On Sunday we had 13 fertilized eggs. We lost 4 by day 3 but the 9 left “looked great” and were 6, 7 or 8 celled. A few had fragmentation, but overall it looked good. She then explained to me that after day 3 the paternal DNA starts expressing itself and we tend to see some drop off from there. Low morphology has been our only diagnosis through this whole thing (that’s why we did ICSI). All were dividing happily on day 4 but when she checked them today none had made it to blast yet. She said of the 9 left, 4 look good and 5 are a little behind. She is hopeful that we will have at least 2 to freeze tomorrow, but (obviously) she can’t guarantee me anything. Our clinic will only freeze blasts.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. I’m not a religious person, but if you could send good thoughts our way I would appreciate it. And if you have any positive stories of slacker morulas that went on to make beautiful blastocysts, that would be great too.

I guess since we are not doing a transfer this month the clinic’s policy is to leave the embryos in incubation and not check on them till day 4 or 5. This means that I have been climbing up the walls going crazy and trying not to play out worst case scenarios in my head (impossible). Ugh.

Got a call from our clinic yesterday morning letting us know that of the 25 eggs retrieved, 15 were mature. I’m not going to lie, my heart dropped a little at that number. I think it’d be different if we were doing a transfer this week instead of waiting out the 5 or 6 days for freeze. They ICSI-ed the 15 mature follicles and mixed the 10 immature follicles with sperm to try to fertilize naturally. Of the 15 mature follicles, 12 fertilized. Our coordinator said they are still ‘keeping an eye on’ the other 3. Of the 10 immature follicles, 1 fertilized naturally. So now we have 13. My clinic doesn’t give day 2 reports so our next update will be tomorrow morning. Trying not to obsessively Goo.gle in the meantime.